Times Up Never will I love again
by lovlyangl
Summary: On the night of Jackson's bachelor party an event takes place that will leave heartache and pain for pregnant MaKayla. Summary inside/Matures Themes/Rated M/Reviews welcome.
1. The night before

**Times up "Never will I love again"**

**Written by MacsLovlyAngl (lovlyangl)**

**I do not own the CSI:NY characters. Just the story and the characters I made up. **

**............................................................**

On the night of Jackson's bachelor party an event takes place that will leave in its wake heartache and pain for pregnant MaKayla who was about to start her life with the man of her dreams. Now alone with her pain she is no longer willing to allow herself to feel, leaving her family to teach her how to move forward with life again before she gives birth to her child that will need the love and nurturing of its mother.

**............................................................**

NYPD Crime Lab...

"Where the hell is Jackson?" yelled Danny. "Damn he's missin' his own bachelor party."

"He was just finishing up at that robbery on 42nd with Jenson. They should be here soon," yelled Don above the music.

With the bachelor party in full swing Mac sat and watched the guys enjoying themselves. He knew tomorrow he would be losing his little girl to Jackson. The kids had been together for almost eight years now. Mac was proud of his little girl for waiting to marry Jackson till she had her degree in the Medical field. Now at twenty-six she was an emergency room doctor and soon to be mother.

Reaching for another cup of coffee Mac felt his cell phone vibrate against his leg.

"Taylor."

"Mac... It's Jenson. We need you to get the Hospital. Our robbery suspect came back and shot Jackson three times. It's not good Mac, he's not going to make it. The doctors think he's holding on to say goodbye to MaKayla. She doesn't know yet."

Mac was shocked. Just where the hell was Jenson when the robbery suspect returned. Questions he would ask him when he got to the Hospital. Hanging up his cell Mac turned off the music.

"Hey... what did you do that for Mac?" asked Don.

"Jackson been shot. He's not going to make it through the night. I need to get MaKayla to the hospital to say goodbye."

"Christ Mac. What the hell happened?" asked Don.

"That's something you need to ask Jenson. He said the suspect came back and shot Jackson three times." yelled Mac running out the door.

Danny swallowed his beer as he said...

"Damn Don you have your hands full with this one. No way in hell should Jackson have been alone at that robbery scene. It's suppose to be two officers at all times."

"Shut the hell up Danny." yelled Don as he followed out the door behind Mac.

Don really didn't mean to yell at Danny. He was just shocked that Jackson was shot. He was an seasoned officer with the department for eight years now. Way to careful to be taken by surprise. Leaving Don to smell a set up.

...........................

When Mac arrived at his daughters bridal shower he found her all wrapped up in bows. Looking at the beautiful smile on her face he teared up.

"MaKayla... sweetheart. You need to come with daddy." said Mac as he reached for her hand.

Stella and the others wondered what was going on.

"Why daddy? What's the matter? Why are you crying?" asked MaKayla.

"Sweetheart! There was a shooting tonight. Jackson was shot at the scene of a robbery. He's not going to make it through the night love. He's hanging on to say goodbye." choked Mac.

"What? No daddy. He just called me not more then half an hour ago. He left me a message daddy. I haven't even listened to it yet. It can't be true daddy." cried MaKayla.

"I'm sorry love. It's true. He's been shot and we need to go love. You need to say goodbye love." whispered her dad as he held her tight. "MaKayla... I also need your phone love."

"Why daddy?" cried MaKayla as she was lead from the house with her mom, brother and dad.

"I'd like to listen to the message sweetheart. Please." asked her dad.

"Daddy it's personal." she cried.

"I know sweetheart. I'm sorry. I promise only I will listen, okay? If anything really personal comes up I'll skip by it." said her dad. I just need to make sure Jackson didn't catch something on the message he left you tonight that will help us figure out what happened."

"How daddy? I really don't understand. This is all happening to fast. I feel sick daddy." said MaKayla as they pulled into the parking lot at the Hospital.

_"Just trust me baby. Okay?"_ asked her dad as he softly kissed her head.

Passing the phone to her dad they walked into the emergency department. Nearing the desk MaKayla seen her colleges with tears in their eyes.

_"Daddy... I can't do this alone. I'm scared daddy. I don't want to say goodbye. I'm not ready. What about our baby? I can't raise him or her myself. It's not suppose to be this way daddy. Please daddy. I think I'm going to be sick."_ she cried as she felt her stomach tense and back pain begin.

_"Sh... it's okay love. I'll be right there with you."_ whispered Mac as he took her by the hand.

Walking byl the officers they bowed their heads to MaKayla and as she neared the trauma room MaKayla could hear the machines. Opening the door she seen Jackson watching her as she walked toward him. Nearing the bed he stretched his fingers to her.

_"Ja... Jackson..."_ she stuttered out trying desperately not to gag from the nagging pain.

Pulling MaKayla toward him he whispered out...

_"Sh... don't cry baby. Don't cry. I need you to be strong MaKayla. I'm sorry I won't be coming home baby. But I promise you forever that I'll always be with you and our child. I promise MaKayla you and our child will survive."_

"No Jackson. No we won't. I don't want to go on without you. I don't want you to go away. Please Jackson. Look... feel your child. Just feel it Jackson." cried MaKayla as she placed his hand on her swollen tummy. "You see Jackson, you can't leave us. Please Jackson. I love you. I love you so much and can't live without you. Do you hear me? I can't do this alone." she cried.

Forcing himself up he placed his lips near her tummy as he whispered...

_"Daddy loves you little one. You take care of mommy for me okay? Don't ever forget me little one." _

Using his last ounce of strength Jackson pulled MaKayla down and kissed her with all the passion left inside him and as he inhaled against her mouth he flat lined.

_"No... no... please Jackson."_ screamed MaKayla. _Please..."_

Out in the hall the officers knew Jackson had died. Listening to the cries of MaKayla was breaking their hearts.

"Mom... Jackson's gone now, isn't he?" asked eight year old Brandon.

"He is sweetheart." cried his mom.

.............................

Back in the room MaKayla wouldn't let go of Jackson's body. Not even Sid when he showed up.

"MaKayla you have to let Sid have him. You need to let go MaKayla." coaxed her dad as he tried to release her hands from around Jackson's neck.

"No daddy. No daddy... please. Jackson... come back. Jackson." she screamed still not releasing him. "No daddy... no Sid... please... I don't want him cut open. Please daddy. Don't let Sid do it." she cried.

"MaKayla... We need that bullet." said her dad. "Now stop this. He's gone sweetheart and you can't bring him back." said her dad with a little more force.

"No!" she screamed again pushing her dad back. Then releasing her arms from around Jackson's neck she started pounding on his chest. Trying with all her might to revive him as Sid watched in pain at Mac's little girl who was going to have too learn to survive without her first and only love by her side.

"Mac... let me talk to her." said Sid. "Just leave Mac."

With Mac out of the room Sid reached MaKayla's side.

"MaKayla... I know how hard this is for you. I honestly do. But I promise you that I will take every care with him. You know me MaKayla. I'll be the only one working on him with gentleness and care."

"I just can't do it Sid. I can't let him go. I don't want to. He's my life Sid. He was my first and only love." she cried as she felt Sid's arms wrap protectively around her.

_"You have to MaKayla. Think of your child. All this stress isn't good for you or Jackson's child."_ whispered Sid as his hands unclipped Jackson's cross from around his neck. Passing it to MaKayla she held it close.

"I promise you MaKayla. As soon as I'm done with the autopsy you can put the cross back on his neck." said Sid.

Pulling MaKayla carefully away from Jackson's body and the room she collapsed near the door.

"Mac!" yelled Sid.

Running into the room Mac seen his daughter passed out. Sweeping her up in his arms he carried her into another room. Laying her down Mac had the nurse page her doctor.

"Mac... what happened to her?" cried Stella as she noticed how pale and ill she looked.

"I'm not sure love. I've paged Dr Chambers she should be here shortly." said Mac as he seen Jackson's cross locked within MaKayla's grip. Trying to remove it he couldn't get her fingers to unlock. Giving up, Mac seen Dr Chambers walk in.

"Dr Chambers. How is she?" asked Stella.

"I'll let you know in a minute. Nurse Sue, please get some blood work done on MaKayla and start an I.V line. Also ask ultrasound to send up one of there machines please."

"Right away doctor." said nurse Sue as she left the room.

"Mr and Mrs Taylor if one of you could go downstairs to admitting and give them MaKayla's information. I think we'll be keeping her for a couple days." said Dr Chambers.

"She may not want to stay," said Mac. "I can honestly tell you if she wants to come home I'll be taking her. The best place for her is in our home wrapped in our love."

Nodding that she understood the orderly brought in the ultrasound machine.

"Cool," said Brandon. "Do we get to see my sisters baby?"

"You do. Are you excited?" asked Dr Chambers.

"Yes way. This is so awesome. I can't wait." said Brandon with excitement.

Mac and Stella just couldn't share Brandon's happiness. Not when the pain of Jackson being dead was still fresh in their hearts.

Watching as the doctor rolled the little ball around MaKayla's tummy they seen their first grandchild come to life.

"Whoa... look at that. It's so tiny. What is that between its legs?" asked Brandon.

Mac and Stella knew right away that MaKayla was having a boy.

"Looks like you have a little nephew, Brandon. But you can't tell your sister, okay? She may not want to know." said Dr Chambers.

"I won't. I promise." said Brandon as he caressed his sisters tummy while she slept.

"I'll be back love. I need to listen to Jackson's message he left MaKayla," said Mac as he left his daughters room.

Standing in the hall Mac played the message.

...........................

Back out in the waiting room Don had Jenson by his jacket as he said...

"Where the hell were you tonight while Jackson was being shot?"

As the other officers listened Jenson tried not to panic.

"I was there. Um... it... um... it all happened so fast. I was checking the rooms. I swear I didn't know the suspect would come back." panicked Jenson

Don wasn't buying it. Neither was Mac as he stormed toward Jenson slamming him against the wall.

"You son of a bitch. You killed him." yelled Mac as he played the message Jackson left asking for help.

_"Hi sweetheart. I just called to say I love you and can't wait to get ho....__"Hey Jenson! What the hell you got there?"_

_"Nothin' man. It's nothin,"_

_"Let me see Jenson." _said Jackson still holding his cell._ "Money? You crooked bastard, you're thieving? You're God damn dirty? That's it... I'm callin' it in."_

_"Bang. Bang. Bang."_

_"Sorry there Jackson. Can't have ya callin' it in. This is free money man. Unmarked and missed by our suspects. You'd understand man if you had the loan sharks I have chasin' your ass.  
_

Jenson was trying to catch his breath. Looking around he seen his fellow officers with disgusted expressions. To kill one of their own just wasn't done. Let alone to kill for money.

"Okay! Okay! I shot him. I did it. Listen... you don't understand. I have big sharks after me. I needed this. All Jackson had to do was turn a blind eye. But he wouldn't. I had no choice. It wasn't suppose to go down like this. Jackson should have never seen the money. I told him to search the store vault in the office while I looked around. That's when I seen the little drawer under the counter of the bar. Opening it I seen the wads of cash. Slipping it into my pockets Jackson walked in and caught me. That's when I panicked. " said Jenson.

Mac gave him a disgusted look trying his best not to beat him within an inch of his lousy life as he said...

"Get him out of my sight Don before I change my mind and forget why I took the oath."

Leading him from the Hospital Don knew he would need several eyes on Jenson while he was locked up. For Jackson had allot of friends in the department that wouldn't think twice about popping a few rounds into Jenson's worthless soul.

tbc...


	2. Emotional changes

Once everyone left the Hospital Mac headed over to talk with the doctor that worked on Jackson.

"Excuse me, Dr Franland? I'm detective Mac Taylor. I was hoping you could fill me in on Jackson's care."

"Of course detective. Follow me."

Leading Mac into a lounge he offered him a coffee before sitting down.

"I can honestly tell you detective Taylor that I have never seen any officer in my twenty five of medical work that could sustain three severe bullet wounds and hang on for almost four hours before dying. The wound to his head should have killed him instantly as the bullet lodged and shattered through out his frontal lobe. The second wound was to his stomach. The bullet traveled straight through and lodged in his lower spine. The third bullet entered his chest missing his heart and lungs. Like I said he should have arrived here DOA, but something inside this man forced him to stay alive."

"That would be my daughter. Her and Jackson were to be married tomorrow. I guess he needed to say goodbye to her and his child."

"Ah yes... MaKayla Taylor. Your daughter right?" asked the doctor.

"That's right. She's not doing to well now. They have her upstairs in labor and delivery." said Mac.

"She's not in labor is she?" asked Dr Franland.

"No. They are just keeping an eye on her for the night. It seems she's been having some cramping and she passed out shortly after saying goodbye to Jackson." said Mac.

"I'm really sorry for your daughters loss detective. I hope she can remain strong and healthy with her child. Please give her my condolences and my prayers that she heals." said Dr Franland as he left the lounge.

Mac rubbed his hands over his face before leaving the lounge. Heading back upstairs he heard his daughter yelling.

"Get the hell away from me. I'm going home. You can't force me to stay here."

Rushing into the room Mac seen the nurse trying to force MaKayla to stay down.

"Get your hands off my daughter right now." yelled Mac as he neared the bed taking his daughter into his arms.

"Daddy... please daddy. I just want to go home. I want to go home daddy." she cried.

"I'm sorry sir. I wasn't hurting her. I was ordered to take blood from her. When I tried she became upset." said the nurse.

"She just lost her fiance. Are you new here? I've never seen you before?" asked Mac.

"Yes. I'm just filling in for Jill Renolds tonight. She's out sick." said the nurse.

"Okay. Just give me a few minutes with my daughter please." said Mac.

When the nurse left the room Mac snuggled in bed with MaKayla.

"Sh... come on sweetheart. You need to calm down." cooed her dad.

"I can't daddy. I want Jackson back. I need him daddy. I don't want to raise this baby myself. I don't want it daddy. Please... I just can't cope with a child right now. I don't want to be a mother and I want to go home." cried MaKayla.

"Listen to me sweetheart. This child is a part of you and of Jackson. This is his flesh and blood inside you, growing, waiting to be born and loved by his mother." said Mac not realizing he let the sex of the child slip.

"Boy? You said he daddy. Please... no... I don't want it. Do you hear me. I don't want it." said MaKayla. "I don't want any memories of Jackson. I just want to forget. Do you understand daddy?_ I never want to love again_."

Climbing out of her fathers arms she dressed and raced toward the nurses station.

"I want my release papers, now! I'm more then capable of knowing how to look after myself. So get them ready please."

"Yes Dr Taylor. Right away." said nurse Pam.

Mac watched his daughter with grave concern. She had done a complete 180 degree turn. The more he watched her, the more he seen himself all those years ago after 9/11.

Once MaKayla signed her own release she headed out and called a cab. Following behind her Mac said...

"Forget it young lady. You're coming home with me."

"No I'm not daddy. I'm going to see Sid. I promised to have this cross back on Jackson's neck and that's what I'm going to do. Then I have to get some sleep. I have to work the day shift tomorrow." said MaKayla acting like nothing happened.

Mac grabbed her and turned her toward him.

"You are coming with me. I will take you to see Jackson. Then we will go to your place and get you some clothes. After that you will come home with your mother and I."

"No daddy. I have Walker at home to look after. I'll be fine. Here's my cab." she said as she got in and took off.

Mac cursed under his breath. God she was stubborn just like her damn mother. The two of them were so alike in their temper. Following behind her he pulled into the parking lot and as she got out he followed her inside.

"Right after this young lady we get you home to pack. You can bring Walker with you. Understand?" said her dad with anger.

"I hate you," she said as she walked into the morgue and seen Sid standing over Jackson's body. "If you don't mind leaving. I'd like to say goodbye alone." as she looked at her dad.

...........................

After Mac and Sid left the morgue MaKayla lifted Jackson's head and placed his cross around his neck. Then lowering him she looked at his peaceful face.

Out in the hall Sid and Mac headed up to the observatory to watch.

"This isn't right Mac. I don't want any part of listening to MaKayla say goodbye. So I'm going to leave." said Sid.

"Sid!" called Mac. "I'm not doing this to be mean. I'm concerned for my daughter. Something with her isn't right. Please try and understand." said Mac.

Nodding Sid left the room.

Turning on the mic Mac listened...

_"There we go Jackson. Your cross is back where it belongs. Now we need to talk. There are some things I need you to understand. I've decided not to keep our baby. I'm really sorry Jackson. I just don't want to raise a child on my own. He's a boy by the way. I know this must be hurting you allot and I'm sorry for that." _said MaKayla.

As Mac listened he was floored. Never did he think his daughters heart would turn so cold and empty so quickly. She had just become him in every possible way. Thinking back to the day his Claire had died. Shutting out the world from feeling any emotion toward others or himself. Vowing never to feel love again.

Continuing to listen he heard...

_"I just hope you can understand I no longer wish to care for anyone. I just want to be alone. I need you to understand Jackson. I no longer want to feel love again. Ever. For as long as I live and breathe I will never allow myself to feel love again. Not even for our child. I felt you had every right to know this. I love you Jackson. I'll always love you. I hope you don't hate me cause I no longer want to be a mother."_

Lowering her lips to his she kissed him one last time without tears and without emotion. Then leaving the morgue she didn't look back. Entering the hall she seen her dad standing there.

"Did you have a good listen daddy? I know you were there. Just to let you know. I won't change my mind. Ever. You and mom are more then welcome to have the baby. All I wish is to focus on is my work. That's my life now." she said walking away.

Nearing the front desk she seen Jenson being lead down to holding. Standing in front of him she slapped his face before spitting on him.

"I hope they kill you in prison. I hope they torture your ass good." sneered MaKayla.

Watching in the shadow Jerome could see the change in MaKayla. He had been Jackson's friend since junior kindergarden. They had done everything together. Jerome also spent allot of time with MaKayla at her and Jackson's home. He could still remember Jackson telling him that if anything ever happened to him, that he was to take care of his girl and their child. Question now was... would she be willing to let him into her heart and her life? Even if only as a friend.

"Hey Jerome, ya' comin' for a beer or what?" asked Peter. "We're toasting one for Jackson."

"Yeah man, I'm comin'." said Jerome as he caught up with the boys.

tbc...

....................................................

Thanks for the review Asprine. :)


	3. Silence and solitude

Out in the parking lot Jerome heard MaKayla arguing with her dad. Feeling her fathers pain from not being able to help his daughter he seen Don come out the front doors.

"Mac! We need you back inside. We have a call out." yelled Don.

"Can't Danny handle it? This isn't a good time Don." said Mac.

"I know that Mac. But Danny is already on another call and Adam can't handle this alone." said Don.

Looking at his daughter she said...

"Go ahead daddy. I'll be fine. I'm going home to get some rest. If you like, you can check on me when you head home. I'm sure you'll be given Jackson's belongings. The key is in there." said MaKayla as she got into the cab and headed home.

Watching her leave Jerome told the guys he'd catch up.

"Hey Mac! Would you like me to check on her for you?" asked Jerome.

"Oh... no. I'm sure she's fine. I'll get her after I finish with this case. Thanks for the offer though." said Mac as he headed back inside.

......................

When MaKayla got home she unlocked the door as Walker came running.

"Hi Walker. Hi baby. Did you leave any presents for mommy?" she asked as she ruffled his fur.

Following MaKayla into the kitchen she brought down his bowl and filled it with food. Then heading into the bedroom she turned on the light and noticed the sheets were still messed up from this mornings love fest. Thinking back MaKayla felt the breeze blow across her nape leaving her to shudder. Closing her eyes she basked herself in their memory....

_"Mm... morning my beautiful bride to be. Are you ready for your bridal shower tonight?" asked Jackson._

_"Mhm... but right now I want to feel my soon to be husbands lips burn me in endless pleasures." purred MaKayla._

"_Well then. Allow me to love you with my warm wet tongue." whispered Jackson as he opened her thighs and trailed a path of kisses up her inner thighs till he reached her moist folds. Kissing her swollen bud he heard the cry escape her sweet lips. Lost in the colors that were swirling within her mind as he plunged his tongue up and over her folds._

Hearing the knock on her door jarred her from her memories. Stripping the sheets from her bed with anger as she wiped the tears away from her eyes she walked out to the hall.

"Quiet Walker. Go lay down."

Opening the door she seen Jerome.

"What is it Jerome?" asked MaKayla.

"I brought you your chocolate and banana milkshake like I do every night for Jackson. It is eight in the evening MaKayla. Can I come in to keep you company as usual? Or am I no longer allowed to keep our routine going?" he smiled warmly.

MaKayla smiled. Too be honest I'd rather be alone, but thanks for the offer."

"Then at least take the milkshake MaKayla. The baby will enjoy it." said Jerome as he turned to leave.

"Jerome! Wait. Come on in." said MaKayla as she walked into the kitchen and started a pot of coffee for him like she always did.

Sitting down together in the living room Walker jumped up on the couch and rested his head on her tummy protectively.

"Listen MaKayla. I know how hard life is going to be for you. Especially with the love you and Jackson shared. It's not easy to live your life alone after eight years of togetherness. It was already marriage MaKayla, neither of you needed a ring or a piece of paper to prove that. You were both forever bonded in God's eyes long ago."

Drinking down her milkshake she noticed the coffee was done perking.

"I'll grab your coffee."

Getting up she walked by him as he gripped her hand.

"MaKayla... please don't do this. Don't shut your heart off from feeling this loss. The last thing Jackson would want is for you to become terrified to feel love again."

_"Too late."_ MaKayla thought to herself. She had already shut everyone out around her. Never would she allow anyone to get close to her again. Not even a child.

Releasing her hand he walked toward the door.

"I'll be back tomorrow night MaKayla. Same time. Get some rest."

Kissing her head he left. Now alone in her and Jackson's home she felt the emptiness begin. Not wanting to feel it she walked into her room and took down the clean sheets. Making the bed she plumped the pillows. Taking one last look she walked into the shower as she soaped her body, rolling it around her tummy and that's when she felt it. The soft little ripple of her child. Trying to ignore it she turned off the taps and changed into her robe.

Sitting on her bed she felt the pain and sorrow hit her once again.

"Walker! Come boy. Come on Walker."

Jumping up on the bed Walker laid across his masters pillows watching as MaKayla snuggled into his warm body with tears dancing on her lids.

..............................

It must have been two in the morning when Mac finally finished up the case with Adam. Calling home he checked with Stella to see if MaKayla showed up. finding out she hadn't Mac headed over to her home. Parking on the street he used Jackson's key to enter the apartment when Walker came running, jumping on Mac knocking him to the ground thinking he was his master.

"Hey boy. Hi there. How are you Walker?"

Licking at Mac's face he finally sat allowing Mac to get up.

"God you're massive Walker. I swear you grow every second." laughed Mac.

"Giving a woof he followed Mac into the bedroom. Running back up on the bed Walker layed himself against MaKayla's tummy.

_"That's a good boy. Glad to see you're taking good care of MaKayla."_ whispred Mac. _"Sweetheart! MaKayla! Wake up baby."_

Hearing the word baby she thought Jackson was home.

_"Mm... Jackson. Love me. Please love me. I had a dream tonight. A dream that you died Jackson."_ sighed MaKayla.

_"MaKayla wake up sweetheart. It's daddy."_

Finally opening her eyes she seen her dad leaning over her.

"What are you doing here daddy? I told you not to worry about me." said MaKayla as she tried to sit up. "Walker move. Come on boy, you are pushing on my bladder."

Finally getting up she made her way into the kitchen. Opening the fridge she took out a tub of chocolate ice cream and two bananas. Slicing the bananas into circles she dropped them into the tub. Then taking a large spoon she scooped it up into her mouth while Mac smiled. He was happy to know that she was still feeding the baby. It showed him she still had some emotion of love in her heart.

After finishing the remaining spoonful she tossed the tub into the recycle box and that's when Mac seen the milkshake container.

"Did Jerome stop by tonight love?" asked her dad.

"He did. I told him I wasn't up for company, so he left." she shrugged.

Mac knew she wasn't going to budge.

"Okay sweetheart, you win. Anyway... Sid released Jackson's body to the funeral home you requested. So your mother set up the small memorial for tomorrow." said her dad.

"There won't be no memorial daddy. Jackson didn't want one. His wish was to be cremated. He said the last thing he wanted was a bunch of teary eyed friends sapping over him. So it will just be me and Walker laying him to rest in the small plot we bought together two years ago. But thanks for everything you're trying to do dad."

Walking her dad to the door she opened it as she said...

"Night daddy. See you tomorrow after my shift. I promise I'll stop by before coming home." said MaKayla with a sad smile.

"Okay. I love you MaKayla."

"I know daddy. Night." shutting the door Mac lowered his head and sighed. Thinking to himself that had to be the first time in twenty four years that MaKayla had never said she loved him back.

tbc...


	4. Needing to feel

When Mac finally arrived at home it was four in the morning. Desperate for his wife's touch after the pain he felt with his daughter Mac stripped his clothes, walked into his room and crushed his lips to his wife's. Hearing Stella's startling cry as Mac's hand roughly, violently cupped her sheath while his teeth bit onto her tongue.

He was wild with pain and ache to have her purity and love help him forget all his memories of 9/11, and Jackson. She was the only one that could help him forget and focus all his memories back into the shadows. sliding his fingers up her core she cried out his name in passion, in heat, in burning bridled need and want.

Climbing upon her now he quickly looked into her eyes with tears as he choked out...

_"Help me Stella. I need... you... to... help... help me forget. Please... Stella."_ he cried.

_"Oh Mac... oh... God Mac. It's okay... I got you Mac. I got you."_ Stella whispered as she felt her own tears flood her eyes.

Rolling them over Stella sat herself upon her husbands shaft. Then lowering herself onto his thickness she felt her walls stretch and kiss every inch of him. Bringing her head down she softly tenderly traced her little kisses across his eyes, cheek and lips as she took him back to their future that began with pillow fights and a movie called Impostor.

Placing his hands across her hips Mac rocked her back and forth as he cried. Flipping her back over he raised her left leg above his shoulder, plunging her, watching in the large floor length mirror as his thick powerful shaft took her with wickedness and sin. Feeling himself on the edge of his orgasm he placed his hand between his wife's thighs working her bud, bringing her to the edge with him and as he gave her one more powerful thrust, they poured together in their love.

Laying with her wrapped in his arms Mac once again cried as he whispered...

_"I could feel her pain love. I could feel the coldness of her heart as she shut me out. So many memories Stella. Memories of the night Claire died in 9/11. It's happened Stella. Our little girl has become me. She's everything I was all those years ago and I don't know how to help her Stella, I don't how to help our little girl heal and move on."_

_........................................_

Back over at MaKayla's she was dressed and ready for work. Grabbing a quick glass of milk she swallowed it down and headed out the door. Pulling into the parking lot of the Hospital she parked her car and walked inside.

"Dr Taylor? You shouldn't be here today." said Dr Roberts. "I think you should go home and rest."

"I need this Bryan. I need to keep busy. I'm fine to work and would like to see one of the charts for our next patient." said MaKayla.

Passing her a chart she headed into exam room two and found a young boy.

"Hi there, you must be Thomas Davies. I understand you placed a monopoly house up your nose. May I have a look?" asked MaKayla.

Taking her light MaKayla could see the green house lodged in the boys nasal passage. Grabbing her tweezers she placed them up and pulled down the little house.

"There we go. Now tell me Thomas. Do you have anything else up your nose?"

Shaking his head no, MaKayla passed him a sucker and sent him on his way.

After helping three more patients she felt the dizziness hit her. Taking her lunch, she headed over to the Cafe on 42nd for her club sandwich and fries with a chocolate banana milkshake. Sitting down she seen Jerome pull up.

"Hey MaKayla... how goes it? Can I sit with you?" he asked.

"I guess. Though you can't have any of my lunch. You have to buy your own." she said.

Jerome could read the sadness as it showered over her face. He could tell MaKayla was putting on one hell of a front. He also knew if someone didn't get her to open her heart soon, she never would leaving her to face the rest of her life in loneliness.

"So how's the little guy doing?" Jerome asked as he sat down with his burger and fries.

"He's doing okay, I guess." as she reached for one of his fries.

"Hey! What happened to keeping our hands out of our food?" asked Jerome.

"That only applies to my food. I'm the one carrying Jackson's son, remember." said MaKayla.

Jerome felt the pain stab him in the heart. She had said Jackson's child, not hers. Watching her he could just imagine the sorrow his friend must be feeling knowing that MaKayla no longer wanted this child they had made from their love.

Taking a bite of his burger and placing it down MaKayla reached for it and took a huge bite.

"Christ MaKayla, aren't you full yet?" asked Jerome.

"I am. The child isn't. Anyway... I gotta go. I should be home by eight for my milkshake. I'll have the coffee ready for you. see ya Jerome." and with that MaKayla headed back to the ER.


	5. Facing the truth

When MaKayla was done her shift she headed over to see her mom as promised. Parking the car she walked inside.

"Mom... where are you?" called MaKayla.

"I'm in the kitchen sweetheart." yelled Stella.

Walking into the kitchen she noticed her mom had made double chocolate cookies. sitting down with a glass of milk MaKayla shoved them into her mouth.

Laughing Stella said...

"Slow down sweetheart. They're not going anywhere. How was your shift?"

Stella knew she could ask about Jackson, but she decided to let MaKayla open her conversation about him instead.

"It was alright. Pretty quiet. I seen Jerome at lunch today. I swear he's following me. It seems every time I end up somewhere he's there." said MaKayla.

"Maybe he's looking out for you. You said that Jackson asked him too, right?" asked her mom.

"I guess. Anyway... I should go. I just promised daddy I'd stop by to let you know I'm okay. So I'll see ya mom."

Stella didn't want her daughter to leave this way. She could feel her daughters pain eating at her soul.

"MaKayla..."

"No mom. Don't even go there. I heard enough from daddy last night."

"Please sweetheart. If you could have seen how torn he was last night. He's so scared he's losing you," said her mom.

"Listen mom. I think you and dad need to be more worried about your own peace of minds and stay out of mine." said MaKayla with coldness.

"MaKay..."

"No. Think I don't know how upset he was? Think I know it doesn't bring back memories for him about Claire and 9/11? I know it does. But he can't very well help me when he hasn't even helped himself yet. I'm not going to be his vice to forget the pain he felt with losing his first wife. I mean have you and daddy ever discussed his life with Claire? Has he ever shared with you how he felt after she died? Or does he come home with the pain and beg you to take it all away by making love to him? I think daddy has allot of his own healing still to do and I think you need to stop being his shield and have him open up too you mom. I mean it's been years of togetherness for both of you, yet daddy still needs you to shield him from his pain and memories when something happens to trigger it."

Stella couldn't move. Never had she heard her daughter talk to her with such anger and hurt.

Slamming the door, MaKayla left.

.............................

Sitting down in the chair Stella rubbed her temples. God her daughter was right. Thinking about it now, Mac had never really opened his feelings about Claire. Neither of them ever really discussed the pain he felt after her death. Even after they married they both kind of pushed the little things into the background. As the years progressed the two of them built new, happy memories together with their daughter. But MaKayla was right, always they would crave for each others love whenever the memories hit.

Thinking back to last night, Stella replayed Mac's words... _"please Stella. I need you to help me forget the pain and memories."_

Hearing the door Stella knew her son was home. Wiping away her tears she placed fresh cookies on the table with milk.

"Hi mom. How was your day? I seen MaKayla, she gave me a kiss and let me feel my nephew kick," he said with excitement.

"Whoa... I bet that felt cool, didn't it. Do you have homework son?"

"I do mom. I'll get started right now. Oh... before I forget there is a form in my bag for baseball. Can I join? It's during the lunch hour?"

"Of course you can. Daddy and I will sign the papers tonight." said his mom.

Running upstairs to his room with his milk and cookies he left his mom to her thoughts.

...........................

Over at the lab Mac was heading out when he ran into Jerome.

"Hey Mac. How you doing?" Jerome asked.

"Good. How's MaKayla? Did you see her today?" asked Mac.

"She's putting up walls. But she's feeding the baby and hiding behind her work. I'll be seeing her tonight with her milkshake, hopefully soon one of us can get her to open and talk about losing Jackson." said Jerome.

"Yeah... let's hope. I know what you two talk about is personal. But I'd appreciate any free information you'd be willing to give if she does open up too you." said Mac.

Gripping Mac's shoulder Jerome said...

"Don't worry Mac. I will."

Heading in while Mac headed home, Jerome wondered if Mac recognized his own pain he was trying not to deal with. He knew all about Claire and her death from Jackson. That was why Jackson made sure MaKayla would always have someone looking after her if anything happened to him. He knew the most important thing would be for her to be able to move on and live again without him in her life.

_"Whole family needs to help each other through a whole lot of pain."_ Jerome whispered to himself. _"Unfortunetly my only concern is for MaKayla and her child. a promise is a promise Jackson. I won't let you down. Though she is stubborn." _

Not watching in front of him he banged into Don. "Ouff... sorry Don."

"It's okay Jerome. I need you to come with me, I have a domestic dispute on 47th." said Don.

Turning back around. Don and Jerome headed out.

............................

Meanwhile...

Just as MaKayla pulled into her parking lot she recieved the call to return to the Hospital. Arriving on site she seen the trauma team in chaos.

"Where do you need me?" yelled MaKayla.

"Trauma two. A pregnant mother was stabbed through her abdomen. The baby is in distress." yelled Karen.

Rushing into trauma two MaKayla got down to saving not only the mothers life, but the newborn too. Reaching the mothers side she seen the baby's hand sticking out of the broken sack.

"I need an incubator bed in here, now!" she yelled.

Taking her scalpel she sliced the mothers abdomen and pulled out the baby. Seeing the small wound across the baby's chest she rushed the child to the bed and had them take her into the OR.

"Dr Taylor." called the nurse. "The mother is gone. She's died."

MaKayla tried to fight her tears. She tried not to let this scene get to her. Knowing that a newborn baby was now without both parents if it survived struck a chord in her already hurting heart.

Covering up the mother MaKayla turned and seen Karen.

"What is it now Karen?" MaKayla snapped.

_"Um... I thought you should know the baby just died."_ whispered Karen.

Turning so Karen wouldn't see her tears, MaKayla walked out of the ER.

tbc...

.........................................................

Thanks Asprine for the reviews. :)


	6. Forgotten plans

Rushing down the hall MaKayla needed the quickest way out of there. So much needless death surrounded her today. Death she wasn't ready to deal with so soon after Jackson. Especially the innocence. An unborn child caught in the crossfire of two parents anger. Feeling her own child ripple wildly within her she realized she was being selfish. What kind of parent took their pain and hurt out on an innocent child.

Leaning over the railing she vomited, all the rush of adrenalin was building within her. Then she felt the warm arms wrap around her. Not saying a word MaKayla turned and welcomed them. Laying her head across Jerome's shoulder as she cried. Letting him know that she was ready to accept her loss, to deal with the pain of losing her Jackson.

Holding her tightly Jerome could feel Jackson's baby ripple with need to help his mother by gifting her with his love.

"Sh... just let it go MaKayla. Don't you hold back. I'm right here for you. Let all that hurt and pain out, there is no reason to keep it in."

Jerome had a feeling this case would bring MaKayla out of her shell. He had been there when the father stabbed his wife across her abdomen before he shot him, killing him instantly.

_"How could I have been so wrong? How could I not have wanted my child? A child that Jackson and I made from our love."_ cried MaKayla.

"You were not wrong MaKayla. You were hurting. You lost your soul mate. When that happens we all lash out in different ways with our pain. It doesn't make you wrong MaKayla, it makes you human." said Jerome.

_ It's just not right Jerome. Life isn't suppose to begin this way. It's not suppose to be death all around us, we had made so many plans for our new life we were starting together. Yet now. Now it's all disappeared and I don't know how to go on without him? I'm terrified to live life without him. He was my world Jerome. We were each others world." _cried MaKayla.

"I know you both were. I can still hear Jackson's voice as he would say... _"God I love my girl. I'm tellin' ya man, she's my only reason for going out and facing the hell we battle everyday."_

MaKayla smiled between her tears.

"Listen MaKayla let's get you home. We will grab some burgers and shakes. Then you and I will talk about the plans you and Jackson had, okay? We need to get everything out in the opening. It's time for me to keep my promise to Jackson and help his girl heal." said Jerome.

Nodding her agreement, Jerome took her hand and walked her to the car.

......................

Meanwhile...

when Mac arrived at home Stella had dinner ready. Walking into the kitchen he leaned down and kissed her nape.

_"Hello love. Miss me?"_ he whispered.

Turning in his arms she softly kissed him.

"I always miss you, Mac."

Watching her set the table Mac could feel the change in the room. The thickness of the air and the slight hint of sadness.

"Sweetheart! Are you sure you're okay?" Mac asked again.

"I'm fine Mac. Brandon! Dinner." she yelled.

"Comin' mom."

Hearing his son race down the stairs, Mac knew their conversation would have too wait.

"Hi son. How was school?" asked his dad.

"It was good dad. I have a form for you to sign." said Brandon.

"What kind of form son?"

"For baseball at school. We will be playing during the lunch hour." Brandon said with excitement.

Placing the chicken on the table, Mac gave his son two pieces to start, with some potato and vegetable as he said...

"Smells wonderful love."

As Stella sat down with the salad the only voice that could be heard was Brandon's as he talked about his day.

..............................

When MaKayla and Jerome unlocked the door Walker jumped.

"Down boy. Come on Walker, get down." said MaKayla.

Following her and Jerome into the kitchen Walker kicked his bowl toward MaKayla. Laughing she picked it up and filled it with his food.

_"There you go Walker. Enjoy."_ she whispered as she ruffled his fur. "I'll be right out Jerome. I just need to get out of these clothes."

While MaKayla changed Jerome placed their burger and fries on plates. Then carrying them into the living room he sat them on the table as MaKayla came out in her black silk pj's. Smiling as he seen her tummy pertrude through the pants she managed a small smile.

"What? she asked.

"Nothin' MaKayla. Come sit." said Jerome as he reached for her hand and lowered her to the couch.

Picking up one of the french fries MaKayla passed it to Walker. Laughing as he plopped himself down on her lap.

"You are very well protected MaKayla. I can now understand why Jackson had no hesitation in leaving you alone." smiled Jerome.

Hearing the phone ring jarred MaKayla from her thoughts.

"Hello." she said.

"Yes... Mrs Taylor it's Sharon Marshall calling about the Lamaze classes you ordered with your husband. I hope we are still looking forward to meeting you both tonight?"

MaKayla was silent for a moment, then she said...

"Um... of course. Though it will just be me. My fiance was killed two nights ago."

Hearing MaKayla's breath hitch Sharon said...

"I'm sorry for your loss MaKayla. I wish I had words to give you at this time. Though I do look forward to meeting you tonight."

"Sure. I'll see you at eight." said MaKayla as she hung up the phone.

Seeing her tears Jerome reached over and took her hand. Stroking it tenderly, letting her know she wasn't alone.

"What is it MaKayla? Talk to me."

"I forgot about the Lamaze classes Jackson and I booked for the baby. The first class is tonight." she cried.

Jerome wasn't sure what to say. He had never dealt with pre parenthood and besides that, MaKayla may not want him for a partner.

"Did you think of calling your mom and dad? Maybe they would like to go with you." said Jerome.

_"I think they're going to be a little busy tonight discussing some things about their own lives that have surfaced."_ whispered MaKayla._ "Maybe I should just call her back and cancel. I don't need the Lamaze."_

Jerome could see her shivering. He knew she was scared of moving forward alone without Jackson. She had made that quite clear when she cried on his shoulder less then an hour ago. Wiping the sweat from his hands onto his pants he hoped he didn't look ill as he asked...

"Would you like me to be your Lamaze partner MaKayla."

MaKayla felt the bubble of laughter surface. Poor Jerome looked more then ill. She could see the sweat bead down his face.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

"You, you look like you're going to faint." she giggled.

"It's nice to see ya laugh again MaKayla. Even if it is at my expense." said Jerome.

"In that case Jerome, Jackson Jr and I would be more then happy to have you as our coach." said MaKayla as she shoved another fry into her mouth.

"Good. Then when the class is over we talk more about you and Jackson, right?" asked Jerome.

"Right. I promise." said MaKayla as Jackson Jr kicked. "Whoa..."

Watching her tummy jitter MaKayla took Jerome's hand and placed it on Jackson's child.

"See Jerome. Even Jackson Jr approves." she smiled.

Looking up into MaKayla's eyes Jerome noticed the little dab of sparkle that appeared, leaving him to realize that soon his promise he made to his best friend would be complete.

tbc...

.........................................................

Thanks Asprine and Catu for the reviews. :)


	7. Lamaze for two

When Jerome and MaKayla arrived at the Lamaze class they placed their jackets on the hangers and headed into the little room to sit down.

"Hello there, you must be MaKayla Taylor," said Sharon.

"I am, and this is my partner Jerome. He's going to be my coach." she smiled.

"Aw nice. Come on in and have a seat on the floor. Did you bring your pillow?" asked Sharon.

"We did." said MaKayla as she walked into the room that housed four other couples who were husband and wife.

Leading her to the middle of the floor, Jerome helped her sit. Looking at the position the other fathers had their wives in he could tell this was deeply personal and each of their affections showed.

"Jerome place MaKayla between your legs and have her rest her back against you. Then take your hands and just wrap them around her and the baby." said Sharon who could see how unsure he was with this intimate position.

Spreading his legs he helped MaKayla sit comfortably between them. Then as he slid his hands around her and the baby he felt her shudder. Trying to keep himself calm he leaned toward her ear and whispered...

_"Are you cold MaKayla?"_

_"No."_ she whispered with nervousness.

Jerome could feel her pulse through her wrists as her hands wrapped around his to rest on the baby together. Thinking to himself he knew this wasn't good. It wasn't right for him to be feeling anything for his best friends girl. He had no right to even be here.

"Um... MaKayla. I'm beginning to think this isn't a good idea. Maybe we should call your mom," he said.

MaKayla thought she understood his fear as she said...

"No. Please. Just stay Jerome. I can't do this without you. I understand I'm asking alot of you, especially when it's not your child. I know it must scare you to death. "

Sighing deep Jerome knew MaKayla had no idea the feeling he was having had nothing to do with the Lamaze class. He also had no understanding as to why he would be feeling anything for MaKayla, cause he had never thought of her that way. Gritting his teeth, he closed his eyes and prayed for strength to get through this as the class began.

"Okay mommies and daddies," said Sharon. "We are going to start with the hee-hee-hoooo. I want you all to take a short, fast inhalation of breath before each hee, and a longer inhalation before the hoo. This will be the best pain-management technique you have in your toolbox, outside of drugs. The reason we do this is because many short breaths force a lot more oxygen into the blood, much like a swimmer just before a race, hyperventilating."

Watching as the mothers and fathers breathed she continued...

"Very good, now we are going to do the Bradley breathing technique. Long, deep, relaxing breaths of air, is a must for the intervals between contractions. This technique does nothing for managing pain, but is necessary between contractions, to ensure the most rest and relaxation possible. By using the techniques of both during natural childbirth you will battle the contractions and have a smooth beautiful delivery without the use of medication."

MaKayla could feel Jackson's hands shaking. Wrapping her fingers between his she whispered...

_"It's okay Jerome, you're doing great. Hee-hee-hoooo."_

"Okay daddies. What I'd like you to do now is make small circular motions over your wife's tummy. That's it, start off small then as you caress deeper you should feel your child ripple toward your touch." said Sharon.

As Jerome caressed MaKayla's tummy he felt the baby follow the path of his hands while MaKayla continued to breath.

"Hee-hee-hoooo... do you feel him Jerome? Do you feel Jackson Jr?" asked MaKayla.

Jerome said nothing as his feelings of fatherhood were coming to the surface. Never did he consider himself the parental type. But very quickly he was beginning to realize he enjoyed more then he should. Especially when it wasn't his own child.

"Okay everyone... we can stop now. We have refreshments on the table for you all and after that we have a bag full of baby videos, coupons, pamphlets and other goodies. If you have any questions I'll be here for a while to answer them for you. If not, then I will see you all next week." said Sharon.

After having a few snacks, Jerome and MaKayla left.

"I really want to thank you for being here with me Jerome. I know Jackson would be very proud of you for taking good care of us." smiled MaKayla.

Smiling back Jerome helped her into the car and said...

"Did you want your milkshake on the way home?"

"Mm... oh yeah. Chocolate banana, here we come." said MaKayla as she kissed Jerome's cheek.

"What was that for?" asked Jerome.

"That was for being a wonderful coach." said MaKayla.

Shaking his head, Jerome could feel his heart begin to open toward MaKayla. Slowly realizing that she was becoming more then his best friends girl.

...................

When they got back to MaKayla's she noticed the package sitting in her mailbox. Taking it inside she opened it and that's when she seen her and Jackson's pre written wedding vows. Feeling the tears sting her eyes Jerome helped her sit.

"Another forgotten plan MaKayla?" asked Jerome.

"No. Jackson and I did our wedding vows in our favorite colors. Then we sent them to be laminated. I forgot all about it." she cried. "I honestly don't know how I can keep moving forward? When each day pulls me back to another forgotten moment in mine and Jackson's life."

"Hey... hey come on now MaKayla. Come here." said Jerome as he rocked her in his arms. Holding her close Jerome could feel her warm tears soak his shirt. "Shh... just let it all out MaKayla. I'm right here."

"I don't want to be alone. I don't want to do this alone Jerome. Life is meant to be shared with the one you've sworn your life too. This isn't right."

_"I know it's not MaKayla. But you need to be strong for Jackson Jr. He's going to need his mommy's full attention soon. You can't keep falling apart like this MaKayla. It's not healthy."_ whispered Jerome. _"Why don't I go and check on you tomorrow?"_

Leaning herself off his shoulder MaKayla looked into his eyes and said...

"Can you stay tonight Jerome? Please? I can set you up on the couch."

Jerome knew he was battling feelings of his own. Feelings that MaKayla wasn't even aware of. Feelings that he no right too feel. Especially so soon after Jackson's death.

"I'm really not sure it's a good idea, MaKayla. I should really go."

"Why? I don't understand." she cried.

Jerome wasn't ready to tell her why. He knew the last thing she needed was another worry.

"Okay... I'll stay. But just for tonight MaKayla. Okay?" sighed Jerome.

"Okay. Thanks." said MaKayla as she hugged him close again.

tbc...


	8. Nightmares and confessions

Later that night, Jerome woke to MaKayla's screams. Rushing into the bedroom he shook her awake.

"MaKayla! MaKayla! Wake up."

Opening her eyes gasping for air she reached for Jerome pulling him into a tight embrace.

"I thought you left me Jackson. I thought you were killed. But you're not. You're right here in my arms. I love you Jackson. Please don't ever scare me like that again. Please Jackson." cried MaKayla still locked within her dream.

Without thought as to what she was doing, MaKayla kissed him with all the passion inside her. Trying to pull away and break the kiss while he still had some sense left in his mind she gripped him all the tighter. Tongues dueling wildly, Jerome pulled her back quickly ignoring the burning he felt in his gut as he said...

"Wake up MaKayla. God damn it wake up." he shouted as she finally realized where she was and who she was with.

"Jerome? Oh Jerome. I'm so sorry."

MaKayla felt her lips. She could feel the burn and heat of his kiss. She could smell the scent of Jerome's cologne. She could still feel her heart racing and her nipples and flesh shiver from the warmth of his touch.

_"You don't have to be sorry MaKayla. You had a nightmare, and I was here. It's natural to assume I was Jackson. I mean after all we are both African American, right? It's perfectly alright," _he said trying to cool the erection that was tightening his jeans.

Looking up into his eyes MaKayla could finally see it. The need and want, the dark dangerous eyes that showed Jerome was as affected as she by their kiss. Bringing her hand up she caressed his cheek with tears streaming down her face.

_"Love me Jerome. Please... I need to feel."_

As much as Jerome wanted to give into her plea he couldn't do it. Not like this. Not when all her pain still centered around Jackson and his death.

_"I'm sorry MaKayla, I can't. You are my best friends girl and too me that means more then helping take away your pain with something you'll regret later. I know I have feelings for you MaKayla, feelings that go beyond friendship and hopefully one day when we get you through all these memories and pain of Jackson we can find our way back to this night. Until then, the answer is no."_ said Jerome.

Laying her back down he covered her. Then climbing in beside her he wrapped her into his arms with the blanket and his clothes between them.

"Rest MaKayla. It will all be okay. I promise you, you will see I was right."

Stroking her hair while she continued to cry, Jerome looked toward heaven and whispered...

_"Damn you Jackson for making me keep your promise. Now I've gone and fallen in love with her."_ Closing his eyes he fell into sleep.

........................

Over at the Taylor's Mac woke to a cold bed. Reaching over for his wife he found her gone. Sitting up he seen her looking out the window. Climbing from the bed he slipped into his bottoms and walked toward her.

"Sweetheart? Are you okay?"

Leaning down toward her neck he could see her tears through the reflection in the window.

_"Stella... what's the matter love? Stella!" _Mac said with concern.

_"Tell me why you need me to love you every time you feel pain."_ cried Stella.

_"What? Come on Stel. I don't understand? I don't do that." _said Mac as he walked away.

_"You do Mac. You've always done that. Every time you can't deal with someones pain that reminds you of your own, you always come home in tears begging me to love you." _she choked. _"Instead of talking about it, you have me help you forget. I want to know why Mac? I want to know why after all these years you are still hiding from your pain."_

"Me? What about you Stella. You do allot of hiding yourself. Why do you hide from the memories of Frankie? Why can't you face your own fears too? Never once have we talked about Frankie or how that night effected you." said Mac with anger.

Hearing the yelling from his room, Brandon walked into his parents room.

"Mom! Dad! Is everything okay?" he asked.

"Everything is fine son. Go back to bed."

"Okay. I love you both, night."

"Goodnight son." said his dad.

Listening for the sound of his door, Stella turned to Mac and said...

"Then I guess it's time we both confess. So I'll make the coffee, cause it's going to be a long night."

Watching his wife walk from the room Mac sighed. he honestly wasn't sure what frightened him more. His confession or his wife's.

tbc...

.................................................

Thanks for the reviews Asprine and Catu. :)


	9. Mac's confession

When Stella had brewed the coffee she brought it back to their room. Passing Mac a cup she sat back on the bed and leaned her head against the pillows. Looking up at Mac she could see the mist already formed in his eyes from the stories that were about to be told this night. Placing down his cup he got up and walked toward the window.

_"I can remember that night like yesterday, Stella. The day Claire and I got engaged. It was on top of the Chrysler building. We didn't need candles or music. We didn't need romance or flowers. All we needed was each other and that roof top. God she was so beautiful and her smile had a way of teaching me that kindness and love truly did exist within a world full of crime and hate. I remember sneaking up behind her and taking her left hand, wrapping her warm fingers within mine as I slid the ring onto her finger at the same time I whispered... __marry me, Claire Conrad. Marry me and allow us to build a future together."_

Stella was listening from the bed. Feeling her own tears weld as she tried to keep her hurting heart from feeling the pang of jealousy with what Mac and Claire had shared.

_"Then 9/11 came along. That was a day I realized fate had other plans in store for Claire and I. We shared breakfast that morning before we both headed out. I remember us laughing and holding hands as we walked, neither one of us knowing that this would be our last day together as husband and wife. You know... I felt it, I felt the pain stab my heart in two just before the towers fell. I felt it in my gut that something had happened to Claire. I never told anyone that Stella. But I knew. I knew our little world would never be again, I knew in that moment that any chance we had for a future with children and happiness had disappeared._

Not daring to move from where she was seated. Stella continued to listen with her tears dancing in her eyes.

_At times I often wonder if she had really died in the twin towers that day. I mean... at times I would wonder the what ifs. Like... what if she had escaped and was traumatized, or lost her memory of who she was. What if she was living somewhere else, with a new family, new husband. Stranger things like that have happened Stella. I always held that one shred of hope that she was alive and wandering the streets alone. It took me months to come to terms with the fact that she was in those towers when they faultered. For I had dropped her off there and watched her walk in. But never was I willing to accept that, not till months later when the reality of that day settled in..._

_After that I removed all Claire's items and memories we had made. All except for the beach ball that she had blown up. I still have that Stella. Up in our attic. I could never bring myself to release it. Not while it still had her life in it. Life that brought me happiness and love. It was the only piece of my first wife I was never willing to let go. Then as the months and years progressed I closed myself off to feeling anything, or allowing anyone to get close enough to matter. Always I carried that fear that everything I would come to love or hold close would disappear."_

Turning to face his wife, he seen her tears falling down her cheeks. Not wanting to touch her yet he turned back toward the window and continued...

_"But then you came along Stella. Even though it took you a while you blew all my beliefs right out the window. You taught me how to enjoy and experience life again with another woman. It was your strength, passion for life that brought me back to the reality of life around me. I always knew you were there Stella, I just refused to reach out and accept the lesson you were trying to teach me. That life did indeed go on without Claire. That even though the memories would always remain in my soul, there would always be room in my heart to rebuild new ones. Too live life once again and enjoy what I refused to admit I needed, companionship."_

Hearing his wife's footsteps before he felt the warmth of her hand caress his back he continued...

_"The first was Rose. The lady from the coffee shop. I met her that night for coffee, but as we sat down and got to know each other all I could talk about was my life with Claire. It was then I realized it was still to soon and the memories of 9/11 were still raw within my heart. I left her that night Stella, left her alone in that little bar while I walked to ground zero and talked to Claire. "_

"Did she ever call you after that night Mac?"

_"No Stel. I know I hurt her by leaving her alone, but I just couldn't breathe. The pain and anger was building all around me, I needed to get out and release the haunting memories that were resurfacing. I knew it wouldn't be fair for Rose to watch me fall apart. So once again I closed myself off to rebuilding memories with another. Then Peyton came along. She was the first woman since my first wife I was ever intimate with. She pursued me and even though it took a while I finally realized I was ready to move on. But we did have a few bumps along the way. I had my fears of our relationship interfering with our work ethics, but Peyton had her way of reassuring me it wouldn't..._

_Then on the day we were working on Sheldon's case she reached up and touched my face. Hearing footsteps I slapped her hand away from me, not willing to let whoever was coming know about us. God Stel... I can still see the pain etched in her face when I called her Claire, the shock that surfaced as she choked out... __I guess I should be flattered. It was after that we ended our relationship for a while, both of us realizing I still wasn't ready to open that part of myself."_

_"Anyway... after the case with Gina and her daughter, Gina reminded me that I spoke through my eyes. That was when I rushed back to Peyton and pulled her into an embrace. Telling her how sorry I was for hurting her and that I was determined to make our relationship work. At first I thought she would refuse and pull away, but instead she gifts me with a smile through her tears and agrees. After that everything became as it should have, yet still. Still I felt something was missing from our relationship. It took me going to London to realize we were two different people with two different paths. Neither of us willing to give up what we loved most." _

Leaning against her husbands chest, she caressed his scar as he said...

_"With Peyton it was her family. For me... for me it was you Stella. I knew I couldn't leave New York and my job behind. But you... it was you, that had become my life here. You are the real reason that kept me here in New York, Stella. It took me years to realize that what I needed in my life was right in my own backyard. All I had to do was look a little harder, take a little extra time to notice all the little touches, glances, smiles that spoke more then words ever could. For words are just that Stella, words... _

_All along it was you who taught me to laugh again, to dare to dream again and move forward. This is why I come to you Stella when the memories haunt me. This is why the pain our daughter is going through brings the reality of my own back to life, leaving me to need you too love me, to bury myself within your touch, scent and warmth. It's the need to know that you haven't disappeared, the need to know that my heart is still beating wrapped in your love. Do you understand Stella? It's not that I need you to love me to help me forget. It's that you are the existence that proves above all the pain and despair, that love does conquer all. That's what you give me Stella, every time I feel myself losing against the pain and hurt, it's your love that refills my hopes that life still exists after meaningless death._"

Leaning her away from his chest he crushed his lips to hers. Lifting her without restraint, as he sat her upon the dresser and tore at her thin gown exposing her flesh to the cool New York air. Ravishing her neck, scraping his teeth along her breasts leaving them to perk and ache for more of his possession he was feeding her. Gripping her hands in his hair, her head fell back against the mirror of the dresser while her legs opened wide welcoming him into her liquid warmth that was flowing down her thighs.

Like a man craving the desires of beauty and passion, he took from Stella every last piece of her mind, heart and soul, and as she felt her thoughts shatter into a million pieces, it left in its wake the essence and power that was her husbands undying vow of love.

Carrying her to the bed, he gently layed her upon the sheets as he heard her whisper...

_"I was never terrified of anything in my life until the night Frankie changed..._"

tbc...

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Thanks for the reviews you guys. :)


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